It's been 4 weeks today since my brother Dan passed and even now it's difficult to find the words I wish to use here, or in-fact anywhere.
People tell me that time is a great healer, in that the heart learns to live in a different way - it adjusts so-to-speak!
Me and Dan with Mum 1982
I have vague memories of my tiny little brother being rushed off to hospital, mum and dad too. Years later Mum told me that Dan's kidney failure had been caused by rare complications of a throat infection. Obviously as a 5/6 year old my memories are patchy to say the least, but I have a few.
My other little brother Matthew was just a baby when we had to go and stay with relatives for a while and it seemed like we were there for the longest time when in-fact it was only weeks.
Dan was the first child at Great Ormond Street Hospital to have a kidney transplant and we were hopeful, but soon after the Op there were complications; the transplant had failed within hours and Dan was put on the transplant waiting list.
A second Kidney came about 6 months later, Dan had spent those months at Great Ormond Street waiting on Dialysis......this time we were in luck - the kidney transplant worked!
I have memories of my Mum being gone for what seemed like a year, I remember standing in front of our small portable black & white TV watching the title track for Eastenders, trying to hold back the tears because I knew Mum and Dan were right there in London; that also seemed like a million miles away when I was six. I missed them so much, but I had to stay strong.
Another memory I have is being pulled out of Infants school suddenly (missing a really cool school trip I might add) to be rushed on the train to London where we were told my brother "didn't have long", we all rallied around his bedside preparing for the worst. Fortunately Dan was a fighter, on this occasion and on many more to come.
From the moment Dan awoke from his 2nd transplant he had a massive amount of energy and Mum and Dad struggled to keep him resting his wounds in bed. He had his life back!
Dan, Matt, Mum and Me 1993
Dan's kidney lasted until he was 18 years old, up until then he'd lead a relatively normal life, doing all the things that boys did, he had to take regular medications to help him stay fit and healthy; this never hindered his life or his choices.
He'd still wind me up, chase me around and we'd have MASSIVE fights, just like normal Brother/Sister. I hated him at times and I thought him selfish. I resented him most of my life, for receiving all the attention, for getting out of punishments when I couldn't, but mainly for taking my Mum and Dad away when I was scared.
It was all kids stuff I guess.........I was the selfish one, but as a child, I couldn't see that!
It wasn't all bad though, we had some good times too. We'd go out and play manhunt with mutual friends, build dens and sneak out to smoke cigarettes. We'd climb the big tree over on the park and watch the sunset. We'd also pretend we were Father Christmas every night of the week ( and the year) just to tease our younger brother Matt - he always fell for it - bless him :)
Dan 2006
It's funny how siblings treat each other, not 'funny ha ha', but you know what I mean! I never actually let myself think about the real situation, the reality of what will happen in time. Everything, as far as I was concerned was "normal".
Over the past half year or so I have allowed myself to see the situation as an adult, as a parent. I had total apathy for years, but now I could relate. I think this means I have grown up? Perhaps? Just a little.......
After 12 years on Dialysis my brother developed major complications, I won't delve into them now because it's quite complicated and probably not relevant, as such. Besides I've waffled on for what seems like an eternity already.
To cut a long story short - Dan lost his battle, his life-long fight on Thursday 28th March at 7.20am, which was exactly 4 weeks ago to the minute. He passed away peacefully in my Mum's arms with us, his family at his bedside.
I'm not sure if I've found the words even now, those special, personal, 'forever' words; what words are there?
I miss you?
I loved you, even though I didn't show it?
I can't stop thinking about you and where you are now?
I'm not entirely sure I will ever have the 'perfect' words so this shall have to do.
I'm glad I was with my brother when he passed, I'm also glad that I got to spend those last precious days by his side, I'm also glad I got to tell him "I love you" and give him a cuddle.
You always had a smile upon your face, you always had a kind word to say to the people you met. You had so many friends and heaven will be honoured to have you there.
Sweet Dreams my little brother,
Your Sister
Forever
M
x
Daniel James David Wright
16th April 1982- 28th March 2013
Forever 30!
R.I.P
X
That was really moving made me cry I hadn't seen Daniel for many years were were in the same class at high school what you wrote was so lovely and straight from the heart at school he was always a great person I hope you all find a little peace r.i.p Daniel x x,
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